The Dawn of the Red Family
by zopponde
Summary: [Rated for spoilers, language, sexual implications, and later nonstraight pairings] Why Tobi chose that day, nobody would ever know, but there he was, crawling across the breakfast table to tell Leader good morning...but, what did Tobi call him?
1. Father

**A/n: **I still can't qutie remember where the concept for this story came from. I guess, kinda like...meh. I don't know. But I'm proud of this story! I'm not done with it yet (almost!), but there is that almost, and I also know _how_ I'm going to end it--actually, the whole thing came off of the ending. So, yeah.

You may be wondering--Who's this "Kai" person? I hear her name has been released now to be Konan, but I wrote this story before I knew that--they'd only just shown her actual face and announced Pein to be the leader. So it's just the name I gave her. And if you don't like it...if enough people don't like it, then I may change it, but not yet, because I actually asked, and almost everyone decided that they liked Kai better than Konan. Right now, you're overruled. So deal.

And please tell me if I'm not using family member titles as I should. It would be rather embarrassing if I was using it horribly wrong.

**Warnings: **Hidan curses his firm and well-worked little rear end off, Sasori tells him not to due to dirty-minded sexual implications which he really put on for himself, and...yeah. It's Akatsuki. They'll be violent, and I'll be spilling all their dirty little secrets in a spoiling fashion. Also, I have pairings in mind, which I'm not going to mention until someone asks (like that'll happen), but, let's be honest--notice the term, pairing**_sssss_**? Yeah. Multiple. In Akatsuki. Which has _one_ female. With no original characters. So...not straight guys, yeah.

**Disclaimer: **Dude...if I owned Naruto...yeah. It'd be like this. So, I'll say this: Cute and fluffy criminals of Akatsuki belong not to I, but to ye olde Masashi Kishimoto (not that he's old).

**Advertisement: **um...yeah. This is unbeta'd. So, if anyone would like to help change that...please? I neeeeeeeed a beta-reader! Well, maybe not...but I waaaaaaaaaant a beta-reader!

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Pein, feeling a stare, set down the newspaper, and jumped slightly when he realized that the face gazing at him was much closer than anticipated; in fact, it took him a moment to see whose attention was so focused on him because the newspaper caught on their head as it was brought directly down. The feared criminal rearranged the paper to show his, for lack of a better term, momentary stalker, and saw the orange spiraling mask of Tobi.

Tobi stared directly at the leader, silently, as though he hadn't noticed that Pein was glaring fiercely at the privacy-invading fool. He mentally sighed and brought the paper up again, trying not to rip the paper on the orange mask.

Another minute or so continued, until the nagging feeling from the masked face so close and accurately directed at his intensified to a breaking point and he rolled the newspaper up to return Tobi's stare with a magnified glare. They remained in this position, the orange mask about six inches from the leader's ringed blue eyes and closing, until Pein started to get a little dizzy from the spiral at the edge of his vision, causing him to wonder briefly if Itachi's blindness was contagious or something, reminding him of the rest of Akatsuki at the breakfast table. Considering how silent it was, Tobi's intense attention seemed to cause a bit of a spectacle.

Before Pein could snap something at the spiral, Hidan broke the silence rudely by asking, "Itachi, gimme the damn pancakes."

"I would normally comply simply," Itachi answered icily, "but Tobi's knee is on the pancakes and I assume you don't want Tobi as well."

"Tobi, get the fuck off of the damn pancakes," Hidan ordered.

"Hidan, stop cursing at the breakfast table, hmm," Deidara requested.

"Deidara, shut the hell up," Hidan snapped back. "Tobi, when I said get the fuck off the damn pancakes, I meant get the fuck off the damn pancakes right fucking now."

"Sorry," Tobi apologized, shifting his weight to move one of his knees, landing it again with a slight splashing sound, his one eye never leaving the leader's face.

"Tobi, get your fucking knee out of the damn maple syrup," Hidan ordered. "Right fucking now."

"Do you realize that you just used the term, 'fucking knee,' Hidan?" Sasori asked calmly.

Hidan remained silent for a moment, before grumbling, "Fucking pervert."

Realizing the silence as his chance to find the reasoning for this orange mask in his face, Pein opened his mouth, about to ask, but was interrupted by Sasori retorting sarcastically, "Oh, yes, and masochism is such a more honorable mentality than perversion."

Another hesitation, and Pein had actually started to make a noise before Hidan snapped back, "Shut the fuck up, Sasori, he's about to say something!"

"You interrupted him worse than I did," Sasori answered coolly.

Hidan grumbled, and sounded about to raise his voice in an audible response before being interrupted by the one female voice in all of Akatsuki, the voice of his partner Kai, "It's the argument in general that's keeping him silent, now can we please have a mutual silence so we can get this over with?"

Pein took a sliver of the silence provided to thank his blue-haired partner, also giving time to return to the issue of Tobi in his face, before muttering sharply, "Tobi."

"Good morning, Leader-otousama," Tobi greeted, his voice carefully even.

"Can I help y—…" It took Pein a moment to take in exactly what the words issued from behind that orange spiral meant. "… –Otousama?" Father? This was an…interesting development.

Tobi nodded slightly, and retreated back to his seat, reaching for the napkins and trying to remove the maple syrup from his knee, in such a way that he was mostly just avoiding his leader's eye contact.

Silence. There wasn't even anything particularly good about this silence—it didn't put a pause between two ideas, and it didn't give anyone the freedom to say what they were trying to say, it just was there, stretching between the ten humanoid beings uncomfortably. Even the body leaning across the table in an attempt to take the boat of maple syrup didn't break it.

The first words to relieve the stress of that silence were Hidan muttering, "Damn it, Tobi, you fucking linted up the maple syrup with all that shit on your dirty fucking knee!" Sasori was silenced before saying anything by a sharp glare from the Jashin-worshiper, but the puppet still sat there, shaking his head with a knowing smile.

* * *

Also, a **preview** thing for the next chapter!  
Tobi now has a father--but it's not a happy family when you have a single father. Who else assists Pein in parenting Tobi? Then again, isn't it obvious? 


	2. Mother

**A/n: **Chapter...freaking...two. Um...do I need to say anything? Well, cheers to chapter two! And to Akatsuki, who will need so much tolerance in the following story.

Kai is what I imagine to be the name of the character who may be better known as Blue or Hana, or, right now, Konan, but I wouldn't know that her name would be Konan at the time that I wrote this story, and I'm really not one to go back and change that.

Please stop me if I'm using family member titles incorrectly. Just make sure to tell me the right way while you're at it.

And...holy shit, I'm suddenly popular or something! I mean, yeah, two reviews and a bunch of random faves/subscriptions, but...that's the most I've gotten here from one story! Actually...maybe from any story anywhere...considering it's only a few days old, yeah, absolutely. Anyway, thanks to darkmoonphase, Shi.no.Tensu.desu, and Martial artist-Mariko for variously showing that you're reading...and, seriously, I'm pretty sure three readers is more than I've had anywhere else for anything else...

**Warnings: **Um...this chapter isn't as bad as last time, but still. At various points: horrible language, sexual implications, probably some daydreamed violence or something, later non-straight pairings...yeah.

**Disclaimer: **Do the math. Naruto equals product of Masashi Kishimoto. Masashi Kishimoto is not equal to me. In other words, Naruto cannot belong to me, because Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto, and I am not Masashi Kishimoto.

**Advertisement: **Don't make me make a song out of how I want a beta-reader. Because I will. And I'm pretty sure someone implied that I don't really need a beta-reader, so I'm pretty sure it probably won't be much work--you'll just get to read it before anyone else. I think. I've been wrong before--hence me wanting a beta-reader.

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Some twenty-three hours had passed since Tobi dubbed the leader as his father; breakfast was served for the next day, and everyone was sitting calmly at the table, except Tobi, who was standing, stopped halfway in his step, his head turned to face the back of the one blue-haired head. Everyone had their own almost definite suspicions about what he was doing, what he was going to say, but every male eye in the room was fixed on the orange mask as though he was a television program that put everyone's favorite character in a ninety-nine point nine repeating percent chance fatal position. Even Pein was interested; he hadn't picked up the newspaper today, as he was waiting to hear Tobi announce the leader to not be the only one he saw as a family member. 

Finally, he set down his one foot, slightly closer to Kai's back in a turn that set him on a straight course to her. She had likely been aware of his stare this whole time, but she ignored it the whole time, until her eating was interrupted by arms around her upper body in a hug. "Good morning, Blue-okaachan," Tobi greeted, slightly more cheerfully than he had titled Pein.

Kai smiled slightly, her heavily lidded eyes reflecting it slightly. "Good morning, Tobi-chan."

What exactly she was smiling about, nobody knew, but Pein's personal suspicion was that he used her nickname rather than her real name; Pein, to his knowledge, was the only one, save Kai, who knew her real name; everyone else settled for calling her "Blue," after her oddly colored hair. He suspected that she was smiling because Tobi hadn't even considered it a possibility that Blue wasn't her real name, although he would say the same for most other members of Akatsuki. It wasn't until his thoughts turned back to reality that he realized how Kai had responded; "Tobi-chan." As though he was her son or something. Which meant that she was playing along—and smiling? Maybe she had been smiling because she liked the idea of being a mother. Pein's mind suddenly fell to thoughts of her life before Akatsuki, if she had ever thought of marrying and settling down with children rather than give up everything for this organization. Or if she still thought of it—maybe Kai wondered if Akatsuki was the right choice, if she would have less regretted starting a family, or if she only wanted a child's love at this point in her life.

Pein, lost in thoughts, didn't notice that a conversation had started among the seven members who weren't related to Tobi's already displayed behavior. "Does that mean that we're all his brothers?" Kisame wondered, eyeing Itachi nervously.

"I don't know, hmm," Deidara answered, but he saw Kisame's fear. "I don't think we have to worry about Itachi-sempai, though. If he starts doing something mean, I think Tobi's not quite enough of an idiot to not change his title, hmm."

"Are you sure?" Kisame asked, fidgeting slightly. "I mean, we're talking about the guy who killed his whole family—"

"Except his younger brother," Deidara pointed out, pointing his chopsticks at the blue-skinned man. "You worry far too much about Itachi, hmm."

"I'm right here," Itachi growled.

"Hey, he's right! Hmm," Deidara announced as though realizing this made him a genius. "You could just ask him and you wouldn't worry about this at all!"

Kisame gave Deidara a look as if to say, "I knew you were an idiot, but I didn't know you were _that_ stupid."

Deidara gave him a look to say, "I'm not asking, it was your idea."

Their conversation through facial expression continued until Zetsu's white half spoke up randomly. "Itachi, if Tobi started calling you—"

Itachi stood up silently, shaking his head imperceptibly, and walked out of the room, presumably to his own.

* * *

Let's keep track of the timeline right here: 

**Day 1:** Pein becomes father (Otousama)  
**Day 2:** Kai becomes mother (Okaachan)

Also, a **preview** thing for next chapter!  
Tensions form as Tobi extends his family; Pein might be at the top of the food chain, but maybe he's not at the top of the family tree, and whoever said that names have to follow genders gets overwritten!


	3. Grandparents

**A/n:** Chapter...THREE! Whee! I probably don't have to repeat everything, but...meh. Why not?

Kai is Blue/Hana/that girl in Akatsuki with the blue hair and flower. Her name comes from the fact that I personally believe Kai to be much cooler-sounding than the others, and the fact that when I wrote this, it was just after we all realized that her name was not, in fact, Pein, because Pein was--is--the name of Sir Leader.

If anybody reading this story has enough Japanese experience to tell me that I'm being totally incorrect or out-of-context with Tobi's titles...please tell me. This is Akatsuki's pride we're talking about. I don't need to threaten you. The characters will do that for me.

This story...is becoming _freakishly_ popular. In my eyes, at least. So, maybe I'll stop listing names...nah, I'm too nice to not do that.

Thanks to (in no particular order) Werewulf girl, LUIGAA, Shi.no.Tenshi.desu, darkmoonphase, Martial artist-Mariko, and...is that all? If I forgot your name, and you faved/reviewed/set this story/me because of this story to your alerts, and you want your name up here, please say so. If you don't want me to mention your name here (although considering the lack of beta-reading offers I'm starting to suspect that I'm the only one who reads author's notes and thus the only one who would know), just say so. And yes, that is a possibility; the only person reading another fanfiction of mine specifically requested that I leave her name out of the a/n.

Sorry for making the pre-chapter rant almost longer than the chapter. I'll try not to do that again. To ensure that, I ask you to bear in mind a lot of what I said here.

Oh. I just realized that I only have one chapter after this completed. Uh-oh. Um...I'm going to be a lot more hesitant on posting the next chapter, and the one after, and then it'll be dependant on me finishing...yeah. And, FYI, I never intended this to be a long story. It wasn't even really supposed to have chapters. So, yeah. Not much more...

**Warnings: **Um...seriously, I wrote this a few days ago, and I don't remember what happened in this chapter specifilcally rather than last chapter or next chapter, so this might be totally innacurate when I say that it's rated for perversions and language and maybe some violence and future male-on-male pairings. You have been warned.

**Disclaimer: **Look, Hidan's taking his shirt off! Notice how Hidan's shirt is not being taken off (it was off already). That is my demonstration of how what I do is not what really happens. Why is that? Because I don't own Naruto. (All that leading up to that one simple phrase...)

**Ad: **...okay, I have the song all set and everything. Please don't make me sing. I would very much appreciate anyone who would offer to beta-read for me, I would very much appreciate you giving me reasons why you don't want to/have time to beta-read for me. But...pleeeeeeaaaasseee?

* * *

Two dozen hours later, Akatsuki was again gathered around the kitchen table, save Itachi and Kisame, out on a mission, and Tobi, who stood silently in the corner. The collective and summarized thoughts of the most senior seven members present were, '_Another day, another family member…who will it be today?_' Eyes shifted from one person to another, each accusing others of being like a brother to Tobi, each accusing others of being the next to fall prey to the sappiness of family that each of them had long since abandoned, and for oh so many great reasons that made them sourly bitter about Tobi's new titles. 

Each person ate their food as fast as possible, considering their hesitation and preoccupation. Each person wanted to leave the room as fast as possible, to prolong their existence outside what the childish new member believed to be a family. And yet, nobody left after their plates were cleaned, for, overwhelming the desire to avoid assimilation, was a desire to see the fall of the hammer, the incorporation of another person, the misfortune of another man.

Finally, Pein cleared his throat, being sick of the tense silence, and went into Leader Mode, announcing anything important as his gaze passed casually around the table. "Well, since we seem to have nothing better to do than sit around at the table pointlessly, we may as well go over the facts. For example, we have no running water tonight," he announced tartly, receiving quite a few negative responses, "due to _someone_ not paying our bills." At the emphasized word, his gaze turned to and magnified on Kakuzu, who suddenly seemed very interested in his nails. "Kakuzu? Is there any particular reason why you decided that no water is a good thing?"

Even Pein realized what he was saying; he by now was cursing himself for making it sound like that. '_Stop proving Tobi right_,' he scolded himself. '_You should be_ stopping _this escapade of his, not encouraging it!_'

Kakuzu ignored this and answered tartly, "Well, it's not like water's cheap or anything—we had to spend the money instead on heating and _food_. Ever since we got that cookbook, everyone's been insisting on harder meals, which require more expensive ingredients. And we haven't been collecting as many bounties or anything as we should be, so we're kind of low on money in the first place."

Pein nodded and pointed out, "Yes, but that can be changed. You should have been faster to tell me this and I would send everyone out on missions that would give us a profit rather than those that would set us back. Is there any particular reason why you didn't do this?" '_I'm not a father, I'm not a father, I'm not a father…_' he found himself repeating mentally.

"I thought that you knew," Kakuzu grumbled. "Furthermore, I fail to see the reason for having to pay for water when it worked just fine back in the old days to go up the hill and get some water from the well, and you didn't have to pay for it back then either!"

"Well, seeing as we don't live anywhere near a well, you'll just…have to…" Pein lost his train of thought as he noticed Tobi detaching himself from the wall. All eyes turned to see what he was looking at, and then no gaze was directed anywhere other than the masked member as he walked toward the table, Hidan's eyes growing in fear as Tobi's direction aimed near him…

But it didn't yet fall on him. Instead, Tobi stopped behind Kakuzu's chair, where the Akatsuki treasurer had craned his neck to watch the decision along with everyone else. The newest member took Kakuzu's hand and announced, "Good morning, Kakuzu-ojiisan."

Ojiisan. Grandfather.

There was a moment of shocked silence; everyone had expected that Tobi would proceed to consider each and every other member a brother, but he was apparently being more original than that, calling Kakuzu a grandfather, not to mention a lot more courageous.

Then it sank in, and Hidan, sitting next to his partner, burst into laughter. "Kakuzu, y-you're a fucking g-grandf-father now!" he howled mirthfully.

Everyone else was now grinning evilly at Kakuzu; Kai was the only one who just looked on boredly, her heavily lidded eyes revealing uncharacteristic warmth as her lips curled so slightly that one knew somehow that she was smiling even though her mouth seemed shaped more like a frown. It puzzled Pein, the only one looking anywhere but Tobi and his new "grandfather." He was intrigued by Kai's sudden expression, brought out by the antics of the new masked member. He had been considering telling Tobi to stop, to give up on turning Akatsuki into a family, for they were cold-blooded murderers who needed no such warmth, but if it was making Kai reveal herself for who she really was, so be it; he would not protest, having been trying to find more out about the blue-haired kunoichi's personality himself.

Pein would have been left out of the continued conversation if anyone but Kai had said, "Is it really so funny?"

Hidan managed to gasp between his laughter, "F-f-fuck—y-yeah!"

"Just think," Kai speculated, her smile turning slightly psychotic. "You might not be Tobi's brother. You never know which part of the family he thinks you are."

Hidan gave her a defiant smile. "Yeah, well, what the fuck is worse than being a _grandfather_?"

At that point, Tobi's attention turned to the white-haired masochist and hugged him. "Good morning, Hidan-obaasan."

It took a moment for this to sink in. The idea of Tobi deciding two family members in one day hadn't really occurred to anyone as a possibility, and it also took some time for everyone to fully realize and accept that Tobi just called Hidan his grandmother.

His grand..._mother_?

Hidan even took a moment to realize it, but when he did, his eyes widened irritably as the lower lid started to twitch. Pein found himself chuckling slightly under his breath, and Kai's recent warm smile was more than slightly malicious again. Slowly, the other members of Akatsuki realized it as well. Deidara's mouth contorted into an irregular wave as he attempted to suppress a loud cackle of hysterical laughter; Sasori shook his head slowly, smiling all the while; both of Zetsu's halves grinned stupidly and left the room, their laughter heard even with the solid wooden door in the way.

* * *

Let's keep track of the timeline right here: 

**Day 1:** Pein becomes father (Otousama)  
**Day 2:** Kai becomes mother (Okaachan)  
**Day 3:** Kakuzu becomes grandfather (Obaasan), Hidan becomes grandmother (Ojiisan)

Also, a **preview** thing for next chapter!  
There are but three people in Akatsuki to be named in Tobi's family--assuming you consider Zetsu as one person. It's a wonder how balanced the males and females of the family can remain in a group with only one woman...


	4. Extended Family

**A/n: **Kai is now known as Konan, but I didn't know that at the time and just made her up a name, which just so happened to wind up being Kai. Additionally, I didn't really know anything for sure about Japanese family titles, which is still the case even if I'm more confident in it now.

I'd like to talk pairings. There are three in this story, and I'm kind of curious what everyone thinks. In the future, I may ask readers which ones they want to see it turned into, but not here, because, well, it's already done, and also because half the intention of writing this was to promote one specific couple.  
For anyone interested in guessing which ones I'm using, I'll give you a few hints: only one is straight; one has implications already appearing in this chapter; all are within Akatsuki pairs except one; one is painstakingly obvious by Tobi's naming system; one is incest by Tobi's titles, but I guess he hasn't titled those guys yet. And, yes, that was five hints for three pairings. Obviously, the hint/pairing ratio is not exactly one.

Shout-out to the fans: cold hearted girl, Daemon-In-White, Insane lady of doom, Werewulf girl, LUIGAA, Shi.no.Tenshi.desu, darkmoonphase, Martial artist-Mariko. Holy shit, that list takes up about a full line in preview mode! The popularity of this story is scaring me--I have two fangirls on deviantART now thanks to it!

Due to my mother taking my laptop because I can't find my cell phone, I won't be posting again for a little while. I have the next several chapters, yes, but I don't like how the last chapter came out, so I'm trying to rewrite that one, and I don't like putting huge gaps between chapters. And...last time, when I mentioned that this is the last chapter I wrote...I was lying. I was thinking of another instance of Hidan getting rather displeased with people.

And...I was thinking of something else...oh, right. People have been commenting/reviewing with talks of Deidara and what his position will be in the family. I know what you're suspecting. And all I have to say is this: my lips are sealed. But if you look at my profile and think of the couple-hints, given the characters leftover from this chapter, you could probably figure it out. And I am vaguely interested in who everyone thinks will be paired with who, and what piece of the family any given person is. It's all set in stone already, admittedly, but I want to know what people think.

Sorry for the long ramble, but I think it was essentially necessary. Also, for those interested, I'm putting in a preview feature at the end of each chapter. If you want to go back and see how horrible I am at foreshadowing, feel free.

**Warnings: **Language, sexual interpretations, shounen-ai/yaoi/slash/guy-on-guy pairings, all at various points in the story that are not necessarily in this chapter.

**Disclaimer: **If I owned the members of Akatsuki, they would be living as one big sappy--er, happy family rather than DYING.

* * *

Another day, another family member. Except, if Tobi kept up with his pace from the previous day, there would be two or three more by sundown. Er, by the end of breakfast, but anyone would be saying sundown anyway because that sounded a lot more dramatic. Deidara had started using that term; it had been what made everyone realize how dramatic they found this, and thus made them realize that it would be best to cheer themselves up about it, which started the gambling that was made off of it. Tobi didn't know these bets, as they had been very discreet about them, but almost everyone else knew; Itachi and Kisame had been informed upon their return in the later hours of the day, and were now exchanging a glare, which Pein knew was because the tension between them created by Itachi betting Kai's flower that Tobi would make multiple additions today, and if Tobi only admitted one, Kisame's pet fish would be moved to Itachi's side of the room.

Today, before making his decision, Tobi was perched on the counter, looking like he was crouching to pick up an ant or something, but on the counter. Normally, someone would scold him, but it gave him an uncharacteristic vulture-like appearance that kept everyone away, as well as seemed fitting for the situation. Not to mention, Pein was finding too much enjoyment in watching everyone squirm under the tension combined from fear of being selected, fear of bets going astray, and fear of Tobi's suddenly ominous form. Why on earth the childish member was suddenly so feared, none of them would ever be able to tell, but he was, and the very fact that he had set the five remaining Akatsuki members up for nervous breakdowns made him a force to be feared.

Zetsu, Kisame, Itachi, Deidara, and Sasori had yet to be titled. Kisame grinned psychotically, trying to hide his fear but not really succeeding as his eyes darted from side to side; Zetsu's white half focused on a spot on the ceiling while his black half stared intently at a spot in his plate, both sides sweating furiously; Deidara was trembling in every way, his mouth jerking awkwardly and his hands twitching constantly, and he ended up almost poking himself in the eye with his chopsticks; Sasori remained relatively still, being a puppet and thus incapable of eating, but constantly looking about nervously while stretching and rolling his joints, apparently trying to loosen up; and Itachi, apparently calmest of them all, didn't seemed phased at all, keeping face turned down to his food and eating like normal, but Pein had well-trained eyes and saw the ever-so-slight twitch of his chopsticks as they neared his mouth, though he didn't doubt that the only other person to notice would be the Uchiha himself.

Silence stretched uncomfortably, but it wasn't as long as yesterday's; Pein had decided that Tobi's decision had something to do with how the conversation went, and conversation was the leader's responsibility, seeing as, among S-ranked criminals, there was nothing to talk about other than their survival, and he was the one who best knew the whereabouts of that. So, he cleared his throat and announced, "Deidara."

The blonde bomb artist abruptly stood up jumpily, sweating profusely, his one visible eye wide with a dilated pupil as it twitched around and he cried, "I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm not your sister, I'm a man!"

Pein stared at the anxious member, smiling ever so slightly behind that lovely high collar. Oh, the reasons he had settled on that high collar in the uniform cloak. "I fail to see how that is relevant to the fact that you put _another_ hole in the roof."

"Huh? Oh!" Deidara stammered, slightly relieved but no less nervous. "Yeah, um, it's kind of, yeah, like…sorry, yeah, hmm…"

"Sasori," Pein said, causing the puppet to jerk, "had a slight complaint about the rain coming in last night."

"I-I did?" Sasori asked, his own eyes wide in terror. "I don't remember—"

"You do now," Pein answered, staring directly at Sasori.

"U-uh, okay, I—I guess I do remember," Sasori agreed nervously, looking away awkwardly, "telling you that—that I don't like that hole in the roof…"

There was a clatter of pans hitting the floor; Tobi stepped off the counter clumsily and accidentally knocked over the saucepans that were used for cooking today's breakfast. He muttered, "Sorry," righted himself, replaced the fallen pans and proceeded to walk toward Sasori and Deidara's general direction.

The redhead stood up abruptly and moved to leave, but before he could, the blonde, terrified and in need of comfort, grasped the puppet and clung to him as though his life depended on it. Oddly enough, in Pein's eyes, he didn't protest; in fact, he was hugging the bomb artist back.

Tobi walked toward them; and then, he walked past them, even though they were on the far end of the table. The two self-proclaimed artists' eyes widened, and they looked at each other before tightening their grasps; Tobi was circling the table, and this new duck-duck-goose style had them panicking, if possible, even more, so much that Deidara was whimpering loud enough for even Pein, at the other end of the table, to hear.

Tobi walked around the table three times; on the third pass, Pein could have sworn he heard giggling under the mask, and then he was passing the end of the table where nobody had yet been selected. He stopped briefly behind each one, pondering; behind Deidara and Sasori, of course, they tensed, Deidara muttering something about how he was definitely male, until he finally moved on, with only one person farther from them.

Tobi must have had the most foolish grin on his face under that mask as he approached Zetsu from behind. The hybrid creature stood shakily, until Tobi steadied them with a hug, saying, "Good morning, Zetsu-ojisans."

Ojisan…s? Uncle…s? Zetsu got off easy. The worst part was being thought of as two uncles instead of one, but even that wasn't so bad. Considering that Deidara seemed afraid of gender mistakes, Pein decided that Zetsu had a stroke of luck, being considered plural. Who knew? Maybe nobody else would be considered male again.

And, of course, there was Kai with that happy smile, and Pein was again lost in thought, so much so that he didn't notice that Tobi wasn't done until he was walking behind Pein and almost giggling again. ' _Oh dear_,' he thought worriedly. ' _At this rate, we'll all be a family before the end of the week. Considering these guys, I'm not sure I want it so rushed…_'

And finally, as if a roulette, Tobi started to slow down as he approached the non-assimilated end, causing those who hadn't yet been entered to tense once more, until Tobi finally stopped, behind…Kisame.

The blue-skinned man had his eyes closed, and was likely praying to any god that he might believe in that he'd not be thought of as the pet fish or something—although, whether the pet fish had a title of its own, nobody would know.

Tobi's arms went around the humanoid, and he declared, "Good morning, Kisame-obasan."

Obasan, meaning aunt.

Kisame…was an aunt.

An aunt? Yes, an aunt.

Kisame started turning indigo in what everyone else considered a blush. His eyes were closed, as he tried to contain his emotions, but the clenched fists at his sides were shaking.

Oddly, nobody burst into laughter this time. Maybe it was the bets, maybe it was the seemingly random selection of gender, but suddenly, it wasn't funny. Everyone was looking from person to person, sharing grave looks; if nobody knew better, Kisame had been announced dead rather than the sister of Tobi's parent.

* * *

Let's keep track of the timeline right here: 

**Day 1:** Pein becomes father (Otousama)  
**Day 2:** Kai becomes mother (Okaachan)  
**Day 3:** Kakuzu becomes grandfather (Obaasan), Hidan becomes grandmother (Ojiisan)  
**Day 4:** Zetsu becomes uncles (Ojisans), Kisame becomes aunt (Obasan)

I think I was a little less energetic at the time that I finished that; that, or I was sick of having to be so repetitive as to describe how everyone laughs at everyone else's misfortune every time.

Also, a **preview** thing for next chapter!  
Six members of Akatsuki are officially members of Tobi's family over a course of four days, but in organizing his family, Tobi has been skipping breakfast and needs a day off, leaving Sasori, Deidara, and Itachi to fidget. How will they survive this tension alone? Then again, who said they have to be alone?


	5. Day Off

**A/n:** Woot. Chapter 5. Kai is Konan, because people tend to name people who weren't yet named at the time, and if anyone finds anything wrong with my Japanese, please say so.

I'm so sorry. I made you people wait and this chapter's just filler. Just something to happen to...well, yeah. It's an attempt to explain the reasoning for some of the stranger titles. I think I flew through it too fast, though.

**To the fans: **Yeah, look at this, the story's so popular that I have so many fans (you don't mind me calling you that, do you?) that I'm just giving you all your own space right here.  
Thank you to Dukesamcules, cold hearted girl, Daemon-In-White, Insane lady of doom, Werewulf girl, LUIGAA, Shi.no.Tenshi.desu, darkmoonphase, Martial artist-Mariko, for reviewing and adding this story and myself to faves and alerts. It really does mean a lot to me. At the same time that it scares me. But, that's mostly me, I can't feel only a single emotion for any one thing or person or concept or anything.

**Warnings: **Ehhh...oh, you know it from previous chapters, right?

**Discliamer:** If Akatsuki were mine to do whatever I wanted to do with...we'd have tea parties, man, and Pein would be in a pink flowery apron...and they wouldn't keep on **dying** like ol' Kishi's doing with them.

* * *

The next day, everyone arrived early at breakfast, because it was normally reasonably late in the morning, but now, everyone had a truly good reason to come earlier. They sat at the table, anxious to see who was next; Akatsuki had turned into a reality television show, and everyone wondered who would be eliminated this round, how, and why. There were only three contestants still in the game: Itachi, Sasori, and Deidara. The last three, the most anxious at the table. Deidara looked flat-out ashen, his breathing irregular, his one eye darting, his hair tangled, and he went running for the bathroom every ten minutes or so, returning even paler than before. Sasori seemed capable of handling the physical symptoms of anxiety, but that didn't mean that it didn't make him self-conscious; he was now continually plucking lint from his robe, running a hand through his hair, adjusting his plate, and examining his nails. Itachi, on the other hand, was perfectly calm; the only thing giving away his calm was his skin being ever so slightly paler and his gaze suddenly being a lot more direct, focused rather than the cool expression of boredom that they usually displayed. 

Their worries, however, were proven pointless; Tobi, upon entering, did not linger away from the table as he usually did, but instead sat down at his seat, sighing loudly, before piling food onto his plate. It suddenly occurred to Pein that, in his careful examination of the other members and how they related to him, he hadn't sat down and eaten breakfast in some…four days? Tobi deserved a day off, Pein thought.

While the three remaining contestants exchanged nervous glances, Tobi went on as though nothing had happened; he turned his mask sideways and started to eat, as though nothing was had changed since he was on the table, staring at Pein to get his attention. The only difference at all was that, on the occasion that he had to address someone, if they had yet been titled, he would call them as such.

"Please pass the maple syrup, Hidan-obaasan," Tobi requested politely.

Hidan, half of his anger likely triggered from the anxiety from earlier, stood up in frustration. "Why the fucking hell am I a mother-fucking _grandmother_, anyway?" Sasori snickered, earning a death-glare from the white-haired Jashin-worshiper.

All of Tobi's face that wasn't obscured by the wide strap of the mask displayed what almost seemed to be an evil smile. "Well, when Tobi thinks of a grandmother, Tobi thinks of a lady with white hair who has strong religious beliefs," he explained reasonably. "And you have white hair as well as a strong belief in your religion. Just like Kakuzu-ojiisan is like a grandfather because he's always complaining about how things were back in the old days, especially prices."

Hidan opened his mouth to protest before realizing that Tobi had a point. He opened his mouth again and this time asked, "Why the hell are you even calling all of us family?"

Tobi's smile faded, and he turned back to his plate, mumbling something that Pein couldn't hear before clearing his throat and asking again for the maple syrup.

* * *

Let's keep track of the timeline right here: 

**Day 1:** Pein becomes father (Otousama)  
**Day 2:** Kai becomes mother (Okaachan)  
**Day 3:** Kakuzu becomes grandfather (Ojiisan), Hidan becomes grandmother (Obaasan)  
**Day 4:** Zetsu becomes uncles (Ojisans), Kisame becomes aunt (Obasan)  
**Day 5: **Tobi explains a few things.

Also, a **preview** of next chapter!  
Everyone saw it coming a mile away. From the moment Tobi called Hidan a grandmother to prove that he wasn't always sticking to proper gender, we all knew, this would happen.


	6. Siblings

**A/n: **Kai is my name for Konan, because I didn't know better at the time and Kai sounded better/cooler than Blue or Hana (which everyone else was calling her at the time), and I would like to be informed of any mistakes I make involving the Japanese language.

Yeah. I got a bunch of comments from everywhere mentioning Deidara's role in the family. So this one's obvious, we could see it a mile away. No, ten miles away. We just (if I wrote it write) didn't see it with all these details a mile away.

**To the fans: **Thank you, Thintellumaien, mooneasterbunny, Careless Whisperer, Errol the flying evil thing, Dukesamcules, cold hearted girl, Daemon-In-White, Insane lady of doom, Werewulf girl, LUIGAA, Shi.no.Tenshi.desu, darkmoonphase, Martial artist-Mariko. If I was Hidan, I'd say holy fucking shit I'm fucking amazed that I have this many fans. But I'm not. So I'll just say Wow. That's a lot. For me, at least. And you guys have been great--I've been lacking motivation lately, you people helped with that a lot, and I'm really sorry that I can't foresee a chance to post the next few chapters any time soon because of cell phone loosage leading to laptop confiscatage.

**Warning: **Why am I even still putting this here? Oh well. Hidan's a potty mouth of a grandmother, Sasori's a pervert, Deidara's so girly he gets paired with dudes, Pein is the leader of Akatsuki, Tobi is Tobi, and cheese is tastey. Yeah.

**Disclaimer: **Pein and Kai and Sasori and Deidara and Tobi and Zetsu and Itachi and Kisame and Hidan and Kakuzu, they all belong to Masashi Kishimoto, not me. I'm just borrowing them. And renaming Kai. Because it's probably better than what he'd name her anyway.

* * *

The reality television series continued the next day. Anxiety seemed to have hit an all-time high, everyone uncertain as to whether Tobi would even select a new family member today, but also aware that the whole thing could end today. Most of them were hopeful that it would be long and drawn-out; Pein acknowledged that he wasn't the only one who was getting a kick out of watching Sasori, Deidara, and Itachi squirm under the pressure. Itachi, less so, admittedly, but Deidara seemed to have grown quite close to his partner in the past few days; Hidan had gone so far as to pin pictures of the bomb artist holding the sleeping puppet (although there were questions as to how willing Sasori was, seeing as puppets supposedly didn't sleep) for comfort at night. Pein wondered several times if Tobi was finding enjoyment in this or not, but he didn't think that the orange-masked and immature member had it in him to find as much amusement in the misfortune of others as the rest of Akatsuki. 

Tobi's behavior was another reason that nobody wanted this to end; for whatever reason, during the time of his considerations, Tobi remained absolutely silent, speaking only to say good morning to whoever he was assimilating into his family, occasionally asking for something, and yesterday when he explained Kakuzu and Hidan's positions in the family. It was almost eerie, but nobody was complaining yet that they had something more like silence in the base.

Today, Tobi seemed to realize that everyone was being early and arrived as though that was the normal time; he was already sitting on the floor next to his perch the other day when everyone else walked in and sat at the table in their usual places. Pein took a moment to check the physical displays of the finalists' mental stability. Itachi was relatively normal, doing nothing out of the ordinary aside from an occasional and seemingly random twitch; Sasori sat stiffly, his eyes closed tolerantly, seeming entirely relaxed, so much so that Pein started to suspect him of being on drugs, his arms lazily around Deidara; and Deidara…was leaning on Sasori's shoulder in the most disgustingly blissfully cute kind of way, and considering Sasori's tolerance and Deidara's mirrored serenity, Pein couldn't help suspecting that either they were both on drugs or they were going out. Or maybe both. He'd probably never be able to tell, although when he thought about it, could a puppet be doing drugs? Maybe he drugged Deidara. Why he'd do that, Pein didn't doubt that he'd never know, partially because he wasn't sure he _wanted_ to know even whether it was drugs or love or both.

Oh well. It didn't matter, and Pein had comic strips to read; he hadn't read the paper since that first day, after all, so he was rather behind on his favorite series. It was Sunday, so he could finish it cleanly with the special colored strips, and there wasn't even a guarantee that Tobi would add to the family today, and if he did, it would be verbal, and Pein would know anyway. So he spread open the newspaper, careful to keep the front page on the outside so nobody would suspect his little "hobby," and went on reading.

He was halfway caught up, snickering mentally at the misfortune of Hagar the Horrible, when he was brought back to reality by the sound of Itachi clearing his throat loudly. Pein set down the thin paper, looking up to see what was going on, and saw that Tobi was towering behind Sasori and Deidara. Pein didn't remember him being that tall. Did Tobi have a growth spurt? No, Tobi was fully grown…wasn't he? Oh well. He was probably standing on something or just looking like it because of the drama about to ensue or because Sasori and Deidara were sitting (still in their eerie bliss) while he stood.

Itachi cleared his throat again, louder this time. Sasori lazily opened his closest eye questioningly, and Itachi twitched his head sideways, toward Tobi. Before the puppet could rotate its red-haired head to see the spiral, there were arms around him. He and Deidara jumped, Deidara more so, and exchanged determined if anxious glances that essentially said, "This is the moment of truth."

Pein grinned behind his wonderfully tall collar. '_They should sign up for a_ real _reality show_,' he found himself thinking. '_They'd do wonderfully._'

Sasori and Deidara, oddly synchronized, took a deep, shuddering breath, and Tobi greeted, "Good morning, Sasori-ani." '_Brother?_' everyone else wondered, more than slightly displeased. '_That's the best he can think of?_' "Good morning," Tobi went on, and the more hopeful half of Akatsuki took another breath and held it before the final words issued from behind the mask, "Deidara-ane."

Ane, meaning sister, although this was more than slightly different than the others. Deidara flinched angrily, as Sasori smiled softly, almost seeming to try reassuring the blonde. And, of course, there was Kai again, smiling like this was really a true family.

Tobi straightened himself and left the room, leaving the rest of Akatsuki to talk about his decisions.

"Man, how fucking aboriginal can you get?" Hidan demanded. "I mean, come on—Sasori's his brother, what fucking retard _wouldn't_ have thought of that shit, and we all know that Deidara was fucking doomed to be considered anything _but_ male! I mean, seriously—if he was damn lucky, he'd be the fucking pet cactus rather than the sister!"

"What's wrong with a pet cactus?" both of Zetsu's halves chorused, the white half sounding hurt while the black half sounded threatening.

"I never said—"

Sasori snickered. "Hidan, you really do need to stop cursing so much. It implies things."

"What, fucking pet ca—…" He closed his mouth and squinted at Sasori, shaking his head. "You know why you're so damn perverted? All that work with those fucking dolls—"

"Don't say it like that," Sasori ordered menacingly. "It's nothing like that. And they're puppets, not dolls."

"All that work with those fucking pu—"

"Just stop using that word," Sasori demanded. "It's degrading. And…no. It's not like—"

"Look, working with dolls or puppets or whatever the fucking hell you call them," Hidan insisted, "you're far too familiar with the human body, and it turned you into the damned pervert that you are today!"

Sasori sighed. "I'm not a pervert," he told Hidan patiently, his arms around Deidara tightening ever so slightly. "You're just jealous because I have more experience in that subject than you."

Hidan grinned evilly. "You mean you have more…fucking experience?"

Sasori's cheeks mysteriously flushed red and he looked away from his white-haired coworker. "N-no I don't! I meant normal relationships, you—you masochistic—little—"

"Whatever you say, my perverted little grandson," Hidan agreed sarcastically. Sasori kept his face turned away and acted like he didn't hear this remark, until Hidan added, "who has a relationship with my innocent little granddaughter."

Sasori's hair was naturally a flaming tomato red. Seriously, the color of his hair made the clouds on his uniform Akatsuki cloak seem pale, and Pein had been quite certain to order the reddest color on those clouds. Thus, as physically impossible as Pein thought it, it truly was saying something in mentioning that his hair did seem rather paled by his blush. "I-it's not like that!" he protested. "W-we were just, you know, k-kinda r-relying on each other—f-for support, when we were a-all worried about Tobi—"

"So those pictures you put up everywhere _weren't_ photoshopped?" Kisame wondered, his statement obviously directed at Hidan.

"That was _you_?!" Deidara demanded, his own face none too pale as he defiantly tried to change the subject.

"Yeah," Hidan answered. "It was. What of it?"

Deidara blushed furiously and he started to try struggling out of Sasori's grasp, which had tightened in anger. " _I'm going to fucking murder you!_"

"Fucking murder? That sounds painful," Hidan mocked.

"Sasori-chan! Let me go!" Deidara ordered, the pitch of his voice heightening in the faltering breath resulting from Sasori's death-grip limiting his airstream. "I'm gonna fucking kill him!"

"Have you forgotten that I'm immortal?" Hidan reminded nonchalantly.

"I'm going to fucking make you fucking wish so fucking hard that you fucking _could_ fucking die!" Deidara screamed breathlessly. "You'll go bang—you'll go boom—and then you'll go bang again, until your in such tiny pieces that you'll fucking pray to your fucking god that he would just fucking let you die for once in your fucking pitiful fucking life!"

Pein had sudden prophetic visions of Deidara's horrible and painful death at Hidan's hands for insulting Jashin like that. This wasn't going to be…well, he was Pein. He would record it on video and play it back, watching it as he fell asleep; but any reasonably sane human being probably wouldn't consider it pretty. It would be quite graphic—a lot of blood, and a lot of pain…even to this day, Pein wondered how his parents could possibly have predicted his love for what he was named after. It's almost like his parents _wanted_ him to grow up to be a villain. And he could say the same for Itachi—honestly, who would name their child after a weasel? —but it wasn't exactly relevant.

Sasori, unlike his companion, seemed to have a little common sense, and stood up, the struggling blonde still in his arms, mentioned, "Excuse me," and half-carried, half-dragged the bomb artist past a boiling Hidan and out of the room, their exit reminding Pein of the potential fury that he could be facing, which most of Akatsuki seemed to realize as well, and the kitchen was quickly evacuated. As he strode briskly to the calm of the rather large bedroom reserved for himself and Kai, who was following his lead, he found himself suddenly grateful that he didn't require the other members to eat any other meal with them, and thus they wouldn't have to worry about the kitchen until tomorrow.

* * *

Let's keep track of the timeline right here: 

**Day 1:** Pein becomes father (Otousama)  
**Day 2:** Kai becomes mother (Okaachan)  
**Day 3:** Kakuzu becomes grandfather (Ojiisan), Hidan becomes grandmother (Obaasan)  
**Day 4:** Zetsu becomes uncles (Ojisans), Kisame becomes aunt (Obasan)  
**Day 5: **Tobi explains a few things.  
**Day 6: **Sasori becomes brother (Oniichan), Deidara becomes sister (Oneechan)

Also, a **preview** of next chapter!  
The kitchen is in shambles, all with a great many thanks to Hidan. In other words, no breakfast in the kitchen. But where else can Akatsuki share a meal altogether as a family?

(I'm really sorry, but the next chapter won't be up for a while--there's only two or three chapters left, and I can't access the last two or so because my mom took my laptop. So...yeah, sorry! Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry SORRY! I wish I could post them, but I can't, and I'm sorry!)


	7. Relocation

**A/n: **YES! YES YES YES YES YES YES YES!!!! This is the best migrane ever! I mean...well, okay, so, I got this migrane, which kind of set me off in a rather...eheh, _unpleasent_ kinda way, yeah...so, because of that, I got a ride home, and Mom's at work and said I could use my laptop a little (presumably to pass the time/keep me from rampaging again), which was enough time for me to finish chapter...the last one (whichever that is), and transfer it to the desktop, so I can now post it all! YEAH!

Mmmkay. You know the drill, but I'm doing it anyway because I won't have to say it much more anyway. Kai would be better known within fandom as Blue or Hana or That girl in Akatsuki with the blue hair and the flower in her hair and...the second-most feminine after Deidara...I mean...  
Yeah. And I know her name is now known to be Konan, but I didn't know that at the time, and, honestly, Kai sounds a lot more fitting than Blue. And I'm apparently pretty good with Japanese or something because nobody's told me otherwise yet, but I'd still like to mention that I never said that I'm fully confident in my abilities to use it.

Sorry for the shortness and stupid-filler-blahdiblahblah-ness of this chapter, I think I had a little bit of Writer's Block or something...The next one will be up...meh, later. Or sooner. I'll aim for sooner.

Dude...I absolutely morhed Pein from this evil, cool, evil, awesome, collected, and evil kinda leader into this kinda thrown-together leader...like Malcolm Reynolds...haha, Pein is Captain Tight Pants...Captain Tight Pein? Hrmmmm...nine out of ten, nobody knows what the hell I'm talking about.

**To the fans: **Thanks to: Wyvren Wing, uchiha fan gurl, yuki takahashi, Thintellumaien, mooneasterbunny, Careless Whisperer, Errol the flying evil thing, Dukesamcules, cold hearted girl, Daemon-In-White, Insane lady of doom, Werewulf girl, LUIGAA, Shi.no.Tenshi.desu, darkmoonphase, Martial artist-Mariko, because, well...hmmm...well, yeah, it really is good motivation. Thanks for acknowledging my existance.

**Warnings: **Uhhh...yeah. Language and sexual interpretations and...stuff, yeah. And the guy-on-guy-age. And, to answer your question, Shi.no.Tenchi.desu, yes, that's the intention.

**Disclaimer: **If I owned Naruto...I'd be getting into DragonCon for free and so would all of my friends, and we'd fly first-class there and back and I'd have this kicking Zetsu costume or something and ladidadida, but I don't, so I'm scraping up money to spend there and it's just my family and we have to drive twelve hours and I'm stuck with this Kiba costume that's not terribly great and not even done yet...hehe, yeah. I don't own Naruto.

* * *

Upon arriving in the kitchen the next morning, Pein immediately regretted allowing Hidan to stay in there alone; it looked like a hurricane had come through with a tornado that had previously picked up an angry gorilla and dropped that in the room, along with all of Oz, who, in fear of the sudden scenery change, began destroying everything on sight before another tornado came to pick them up and bring them home in time to save them from the stampede of rabid elephants being ridden by banana-high monkeys. 

Okay. Maybe it wasn't that bad. But it was pretty damned close, and the kitchen was still in no condition to be the place for breakfast.

Thankfully, Pein was always the first to breakfast, and thus the other members would never have to see it if he just warned them beforehand. All this meant was a relocation of breakfast. The question was, where? The kitchen was used as a dining area mostly because it was the largest room in the house, and thus the only room in the house that was knowledgeably and comfortably big enough to house all ten members at once. It was also the only room that wasn't a bedroom, bathroom, or laundry room, or something else to that extent. Everywhere was either someone's private space or painfully obviously not big enough for them all. This could be an issue.

Hidan was _absolutely_ paying for this damage. Or fixing it himself. No, Hidan was _definitely_ going to buy the supplies from his _own_ money, and then fix it himself. With Kai's supervision, because Pein knew far too well that Hidan would absolutely do a horrid job if he wasn't carefully directed.

Turning his thoughts back to housing today's meal, Pein ran off a list of the rooms in the house. Downstairs, there was the entrance hall, about two feet wide, a closet, the kitchen, and the laundry room. It was a rather large closet, though, so maybe…okay, no. Maybe if they took out all of the robes and cloaks and jackets and scarves and gloves and large pointed weapons and assorted chocolates and shoes and oh-my-god-did-that-thing-just-moves, there would be enough room for more people than just Sasori and Deidara, who would only fit because they didn't seem to have special issues with each other (cough cough). More people as in Itachi and maybe Tobi, neither of which took up much room in comparison to, say, Zetsu.

Pein proceeded up the stairs to continue his investigation. Of course, the top floor consisted of four bedrooms, two bathrooms, and the master bedroom, residence of himself and Kai, which had a third bathroom, but honestly, that didn't matter, because they weren't going to eat in his bathroom. Oh dear god no, they weren't. He was still wondering if he'd let them so much as glance into his bathroom when—I mean, _if_ all the hidden villages were after them and the only way for Akatsuki to survive would be to pile up in Pein's bathroom. Why on earth that would happen, Pein prayed he'd never have to know, but that's beside the point—they were not having breakfast in Pein's bathroom.

The hallway was tiny. It was about three millimeters wider than the entrance hallway. Three millimeters. That's not a lot. Why Pein even considered it a difference, he'd never know. Sure, it was twice as long, and thus technically capable of having all of Akatsuki gathered within it at once, but that was standing, rather than sitting at a table with enough room to eat.

The only other room that might have enough space for Akatsuki would be…the second-largest room, he supposed…which was…

'_Oh dear_,' Pein thought worriedly. The second largest room in the house was his own.

He tried to think of some other way he could have breakfast without using his room, but none came to him. Trying to think of some kind of excuse, he wondered desperately, '_What would Kai say? Yeah, that's right—she'd never approve, would…she?_' He immediately realized that, considering her recent approval of Tobi's family, she would most definitely approve. Besides, she'd be having breakfast in bed.

Pein sighed. '_This is going to be a very long breakfast…_'

* * *

Let's keep track of the timeline right here: 

**Day 1:** Pein becomes father (Otousama)  
**Day 2:** Kai becomes mother (Okaachan)  
**Day 3:** Kakuzu becomes grandfather (Ojiisan), Hidan becomes grandmother (Obaasan)  
**Day 4:** Zetsu becomes uncles (Ojisans), Kisame becomes aunt (Obasan)  
**Day 5: **Tobi explains a few things.  
**Day 6: **Sasori becomes brother (Oniichan), Deidara becomes sister (Oneechan)  
**Day 7: **Pein takes entirely too long to find a new place to eat breakfast.

Yeah. So that chapter was a total waste of time and space and blahdiblahblah. Too bad. The next chapter...yeah. Honestly, I'm not even sure where the plot went after this. And I'm sorry that all my ramblings are taking up more space than the story itself.

Also, a **preview** of next chapter!  
Nobody ever said the day was over...nor did anyone ever say that Akatsuki knew Pein and Kai's names. Tensions from Tobi's namings may be at an all-time low, but since when was that the only cause?


	8. Parental Disagreement

**A/n: **Kai is Konan. I didn't know that at the time, however, and took the liberty of naming her myself, which is probably better than leaving Kishimoto to run his naming "magic" aka CURSE (no offense, but really, _he named a villian after a weasel_) before I could have my fun. Uh-huh. Yeah. You already knew that.

Okay. This may or may not be the last chapter to be posted for quite some time, because there is school coming as well as one DragonCon. So, yeah, I'll be really slow on that.

Looking back...the first two sentances of this chapter are a lie. This is probably the most eventful morning in the whole story. Probably.

**To the fans:** Thanks to: Kyoky13, Kimberly-SA, Primeval Eidolon Star, FaintMirage, Kawaii Chibi Shun, animelover123456, Icetor01, For Whom, Jager Nod, kittypurr714, Wyvren Wing, uchiha fan gurl, yuki takahashi, Thintellumaien, mooneasterbunny, Careless Whisperer, Errol the flying evil thing, Dukesamcules, cold hearted girl, Daemon-In-White, Insane lady of doom, Werewulf girl, LUIGAA, Shi.no.Tenshi.desu, darkmoonphase, Martial artist-Mariko. Because you came straight out and told me that you acknowledge my existance, if only for my writing. And, maybe not that directly...yeah.

Special thanks to For Whom, who pointed out my issue with Japanese titling. Yes, I know, why am I thanking you when I'm not even using your advice? I don't know. I really want to change it, but I don't think I should. Hmmm...do you guys think you'll be able to handle the likely confusion that would come into play if they were to become Hidan-baachan and Kisame-bachan and Kakuzu-ojiisan and Zetsu-ojisans?

Also...maybe from here on out you can figure out what Itachi's role in the family is? Well, not really in the family...that's exactly it. His role in...Tobi's life, I guess. And, yeah...everyone seems to want things to wind up other than how they are...so, maybe I'll make an alternate ending? And this story's really incredibly popular, so...sequel? Maybe...if anyone has any suggestions, then I'd be happy to comit myself to a continuation. As of yet, the only thing that wouldn't be totally depressing would be adding pets...but, Kisame already has a pet...which reminds me. Yeah, I'm totally unimaginitive about names. So sue me. But, have you ever noticed that there's never two beings with the same name unless it's the entire point of the plot? I couldn't think of a fishy name and I didn't feel like explaining it to my brother after randomly swivelling about and asking him what you'd name a fish. And besides--it's probably better than Kishimoto would do. Really--if you gave that fish to Kishimoto, he'd probably name it...Awa, or something. Which, according to an online Enlish-Japanese dictionary, means Bubble. Yeah. In case you can't tell, I have a problem with Kishi's naming system. Don't get me started.

**Warnings: **You should know by now.

**Disclaimer: **Hey, look, if I owned Akatsuki...haven't I gone over this? Itachi and Tobi would be duct-taped together, and Sasori and Deidara would be, too. And every time Hidan's head fell off, I'd duct tape it to his ass. And laugh my own off at his misfortune.

* * *

It was odd. The only event of notable importance was Pein's angst over his bedroom being turned into the kitchen. Unfortunately, the victims of Hidan's rampage included the kitchen table, so even if it could fit through the door, it was in too many pieces to be used as such. Instead, the nine men of Akatsuki sat around on Pein and Kai's beds as they ate off the largest remains of the wooden table. There was much glaring directed at Hidan throughout the meal, and he responded only with a defiant look as though it had been necessary or something. Tobi ate at the foot of Kai's bed, where she was enjoying the wonders of breakfast in bed (and they were indeed quite wondrous, she constantly emphasized). Oddly enough, there was absolutely no tension in the air—no anxiety, no challenge, no glares (minus those cast toward Hidan). Pein found it quite intriguing that, with Itachi being the only one left unnamed, it was like a blister being popped—all the pressure just suddenly drained—except, popping blisters implies negativity, but nothing really seemed negative in either way.

There were conversations for the first time since Pein officially and literally became the father of Akatsuki. Kisame was making some rude remark about Sasori and Deidara having incest, while Zetsu's white half rambled off to his black half about this new recipe he read about (the black half whining that he knew, he was his other half, he read the magazine at the same time). Nothing really abnormal. It was almost like the reality series had ended, because there was only one left, leaving him as the one and only winner. The problem was, Pein didn't like the idea of leaving anyone out of the family. He was the father of the family, the head, and he didn't like the idea of one so powerful as Itachi left out of his clan. Pein wondered briefly if Tobi was somehow…favoring Itachi. But that was unlikely—now Itachi was left out of the family, he was segregated, how could that be favoritism?

Trying to bring attention to himself, Pein cleared his throat. "Itachi," he began.

Itachi's head snapped upward just a _little_ too twitchily to not give away his anxiety. "Yes sir?"

Pein grinned under his ever-beloved high collar. He just wanted to mess with the Uchiha's mind, in all honesty, but he quickly covered this up. "How has Kisame's fish been?" Okay. Not his best cover-up, but he was the great, almighty, and fearsome leader of Akatsuki! He could get away with a little mistake-like slip.

As was proven immediately. "Kai is fine," Itachi answered coolly, obviously not noticing that ever-so-slight pause taken when Pein thought of an excuse.

Kai? Kisame's fish was named…Kai? Huh. How…interesting, Pein supposed. Kai (the blue-haired member of Akatsuki) looked up slightly at Itachi using her name, but quickly realized what he meant and looked back down as if nothing had happened. Nobody else noticed, however, and thus the secret of her name was safe.

"Well, that's good," Pein agreed and leaned back, about to lean back and open his newspaper…wait, he forgot his newspaper. "Itachi, have you seen today's newspaper?"

Itachi shook his head and stood up. "Shall I leave to retrieve it?"

"Yes, thank you," Pein answered, looking around at the rest of his little family as Itachi left the room. He found himself almost grateful that Tobi had started all this—now he had something else to refer to Akatsuki as. And it was rather entertaining—another meaning for things opened up so many possibilities, so many debates, so much potential angst and pain…oh, how Pein envied the sweet miraculous foresight of his parents for giving him such a perfect name…

Pein awaited Itachi's return. And he waited. He leaned back, sighed, and waited. What the hell was taking that Uchiha so long? It was just a bloody newspaper! It would be sitting on the front step—what was so hard about finding the front step and picking up a newspaper and bringing it back? Weren't the Sharingan supposed to give him, like, super-vision or something? Oh, right. Mangekyou Sharingan was making Itachi blind. Pein cursed himself for having forgotten that. He should have sent Hidan.

Five minutes later, Pein was on the verge of getting up and finding that stupid murdering plotting Uchiha for himself and mugging Itachi for the newspaper. Furious, he turned a glare around in the room, counting them in an attempt to soothe his nerves. Kisame, Deidara, Sasori, Zetsu, Hidan, Kakuzu, Kai…wait, that was only seven. Akatsuki was ten, including Itachi who was so frustratingly absent—why were they short?

'_Oh, right_,' he thought. '_I forgot myself…wait, that's still only eight—someone's still missing! …Where's Tobi?_' Indeed, the orange-masked ninja was nowhere to be seen. Pein turned his gaze to Kai. "Have you seen Tobi?"

Kai shook her head disapprovingly. "Sweetheart, you really should think a little less and look a little more at what our own children are doing."

Sweetheart? This whole family thing was getting to her. Not that Pein was going to complain…after all Kai was very…well, feminine, next to the rest of Akatsuki…not that Pein thought of anyone _that_ way—after all, he was a feared and…er, feared criminal! He had no need for such emotions! …which didn't mean he didn't _want_ them, but…

Pein shook his head. '_Shut up, inner honesty! You're not helping anything!_'

Kai smiled. "Considering how long it's taking you to answer, I'm going to assume that you're proving my point."

'_Huh? Oh yeah._' "No, I'm not—I was just wondering…since when do you call me sweetheart?"

"Since now, honey," Kai answered, an almost normal smile plastering her face. '_She's enjoying this…_' Pein thought bitterly. '_She's having_ fun _playing with my mind…_'

"Tobi left with Itachi, hmm," Deidara answered dutifully.

"Thank you, Deidara," Pein growled, still rather annoyed by Kai's new playfulness.

" –Chan," Kai added.

"What?" Pein snapped at his companion.

"Deidara-chan is our daughter. We should be referring to her—um, him, as such!" Kai scolded, with that same warm smile spreading, so much so that she was actually squinting now. It looked…rather different on her, and not in the best of ways, but Pein still felt a feeling of warmth spreading through his body that cancelled the frustration he felt moments before.

But that did leave a question…Itachi and Tobi had been gone for some time now. They were most likely up to something. Maybe Tobi and Itachi were negotiating something about Itachi's position in the family—which would make Itachi very special indeed, being able to talk about it first. Pein hadn't a doubt in his mind that others—Hidan, for example—would kill for an opportunity to get a compromise, to have a say in what he was called. Tobi had definitely selected a favorite in Akatsuki.

"Otousama-sama?" Sasori addressed monotonously, "may I be excused?"

Pein almost flinched. His children—er—no, that was the problem! They were _acting_ like children, even though they were hardcore criminals working to take over the world! And now here was Sasori—Sasori, his perverted son—underling—minion—_thing_—asking politely if he could be _excused_! It was wrong—and it made Pein boil in frustration. Friendliness would get them nowhere—manners were useless, pointless, more likely to do harm than good. Pein felt like he could just—

The door slammed. Sasori had left without an answer.

Pein smirked. '_Maybe they're not so bad…um, good…after all_,' the thought.

"Sweety," Kai began sweetly, "I know you weren't paying attention, so I'll tell you that Sasori-kun and Deidara-chan just left the room together."

"Without letting me excuse them?" Pein said it more like a statement than a question.

"Yes, they did, Pein-ch—"

"Thank you," Pein interrupted. He hated her using his name in front of everyone like that—he made so much effort to keep his name secret, and now here she was, using it. So he exacted revenge: "Kai-ch—"

"Don't call me—"

"Don't call _me_," Pein interrupted, using her exact words before realizing that it wasn't a complete sentence. "Um, that. Don't call me that."

Kai opened her mouth to respond snappily, but then she really fully remembered that everyone else in Akatsuki was in the room, and now everyone was staring at Kai.

"…Kai?" Kisame wondered. "I named my fish after you?"

"You have a fish?" Kai snapped back, turning her head away sharply, her blue hair swishing past and the flower falling out of her hair.

Hidan was grinning foolishly at Pein. "I _told_ you to get a better wife than that," he mocked.

"What?" Sometimes Hidan made no sense.

Hidan sighed, shaking his head but still smiling a little. "If I'm Tobi's grandmother, that probably means that I'm your mother. And I'm saying that I warned you. It's called a joke, Pein."

Pein flinched. "If you're my mother, then why the fucking hell did you name me _Pein_?"

Hidan pulled the top of his robe aside to reveal that he had a kitchen knife, for whatever reason, randomly lodged in his chest. "I'm masochist, remember?"

Pein opened his mouth, but found himself too disgusted to respond, and instead just closed his mouth and shook his head. "Hidan-okaachan, you really are sick. Why they ever let you have children, I'll never know." Speaking of sick, Pein thought he felt his stomach going sour. Maybe it was something he ate, but he really did feel like he was about to hurl, so he stood up and announced, "If you'll excuse me," as he staggered out the door.

The door closed behind him even though he hadn't set it into that motion; Kai had followed him out. "I'm sorry, Love," she muttered.

"Could you please stop calling me cutesy nicknames like that?" Pein asked, his words polite with a very hard edge. "It's rather…why are you calling me names like that, anyway?" He curled his hand into a fist that promptly began shaking roughly. The action surprised him slightly; he almost stopped immediately, frozen by the neutrality of confusion at his allowing the physical symptoms of anger. "Stop calling me things you don't mean just to play with Tobi's game because—because you're having fun—I'm not having fun now, are you?"

"Swee—" Kai stopped herself mid-syllable, closed her eyes, and tolerantly corrected in a whisper, "Pein, I'm not calling you that because Tobi decided that we're his parents, I'm calling you that because—"

"Because you like playing with my mind?" Pein demanded, his voice rising as he turned to face her. "Because you were inspired to—"

"Pein," Kai interrupted, her voice almost wavering slightly as it gave that weak and yet penetrating cry. "It's not that—Tobi's game just helped me realize—"

"That it's really fun to call people sweet, sugary names that grate their nerves?" Pein snapped. "Yeah, it helped _me_ realize that too! It's just so fun to call Hidan my mother—he's such a friendly person, I wish he was my mother in reality!" The last sentence of which dripped with sarcasm.

Kai's mouth moved for a moment before she closed it with her eyelids, so that she could take a moment to think. Finally, she opened her eyes defiantly and she declared, "If you truly feel that I am against you, I see why you'd think that, I think, and maybe you and I should put a little more space between us for a while." She inclined her head slightly and walked past Pein.

* * *

Let's keep track of the timeline right here: 

**Day 1:** Pein becomes father (Otousama)  
**Day 2:** Kai becomes mother (Okaachan)  
**Day 3:** Kakuzu becomes grandfather (Ojiisan), Hidan becomes grandmother (Obaasan)  
**Day 4:** Zetsu becomes uncles (Ojisans), Kisame becomes aunt (Obasan)  
**Day 5: **Tobi explains a few things.  
**Day 6: **Sasori becomes brother (Oniichan), Deidara becomes sister (Oneechan)  
**Day 7: **Pein takes entirely too long to find a new place to eat breakfast. Then he has a spat with Kai.

And...sorry if you're having issues with the drama...or...that is drama, right? I honestly don't pay much attention to genre...but, yeah. Random argument that creates tomorrow's...plot.

Also, a **preview** of next chapter!  
It's a wonder that it took so long for Pein to be haunted by that drinking problem from so long ago...but it doesn't matter. Just because it ruined the moment doesn't mean the moment never happened.

(wow, that doesn't make sense from here, does it?)


	9. Agreement

**A/n:** Ehhh...you know the drill? I guess not, seeing as there have been changes...so! Kai is my name for Konan, who might possibly be better known as Blue or Hana or The only competitor against Deidara for the Most Girly award, because I didn't know her name was Konan when I wrote it and a majority vote (hey, remember how I once compared this story to a reality TV show?) in combination with laziness determined that I'd leave it as-is and just say that I didn't freaking know her name at the time.

The...last...chapter...:sighs exhaustedly: do you have any idea how hard I strived to post this thing? It took me over an HOUR to get my computer to cooperate enough to even bring up Internet Explorer, and then I had to write this essay for English (on the first day of English, yeah, I got an essay), and then I had to go back and change all the previous chapters, and then I had to write my stupid rants while still trying to keep them from overwhelming the chapter itself...yeah.

Comments on this chapter itself...well, I'm amazed it took me this long to start making fun of Pein's piercings. And it occurs to me that nobody ever explained why Tobi started this escapade. Hmm...well, let's have the morals of this story be:  
-Love comes in all different types  
-Even cold-hearted S-ranked criminals plotting to rule the world need a little love (a _little_, mind you)  
-Anyone can be your family, and  
-Tobi's smarter than you'd think (because he's the one who realized all those morals even before the story started :nods:)  
So Tobi just started all this because...he felt obligated because nobody else would realize it unless he pointed it out.

**To the fans: **Uhhh...this could take a while...oh well. I'm not doing this again. Ever. So, in no particular order, I would like to thank my fans, (deep inhale):  
xXMonster ManiacXx, Lime Green Mondays, Lava Puppy, midday, Opera-Gypsy, IchigoCullen, Me And My God Complex, Kyoky13, Kimberly-SA, Primeval Eidolon Star, FaintMirage, Kawaii Chibi Shun, animelover123456, Icetor01, For Whom, Jager Nod, kittypurr714, Wyvren Wing, uchiha fan gurl, yuki takahashi, Thintellumaien, mooneasterbunny, Careless Whisperer, Errol the flying evil thing, Dukesamcules, cold hearted girl, Daemon-In-White, Insane lady of doom, Werewulf girl, LUIGAA, Shi.no.Tenshi.desu, darkmoonphase, Martial artist-Mariko. If I forgot you, I'm really sorry, but there are waaaay too many of you people to keep track of anymore! Also, I probably repeated at least one person...but, yeah! Thanks for your support!

And...for the hell of it, because it's the last chapter and why not? Thanks to those on deviantART: arekkusu2236, SakuraHaruno55, SumGui, XxKraitxX, and maybe someone else that I totally forgot. And, of course, MiharuNin and Joey-Sohma, my self-proclaimed fangirls who I may be enternally grateful for.

**Disclaimer: **If I owned Naruto--it would be like this, and ALL OF AKATSUKI WOULD BE ALIVE AND NEVER DIE!!!!!!! But instead, Masashi Kishimoto dictates their fortunes, and he seems to be out to get them.

* * *

The next morning, Pein awoke, expecting to roll over and see a mess of blue hair lying on the pillow in the bed next to his. However, instead of being greeted by Kai, his first waking thought was of a face mostly obscured by femininely long blonde hair being nuzzled into his shoulder with arms around his torso. It was rather comfortable, actually; Pein sighed and relaxed for a moment hugging the figure back, until he realized that—well, not only had he just gotten a splinter from contact with something behind the body, but more so the fact that the person cuddling with him was none other than Deidara. 

At which point he gasped and scrambled away, falling off the bed with the blonde, who was tangled in the sheets with another body, thus bringing said body to fall on top of the both of them, making a wooden clattering noise as it did so. This in combination with a glimpse of red hair told Pein that it was Sasori who fell on top of Deidara and Pein.

Something was horribly wrong with the picture, Pein thought, even before accounting for the titles that Tobi had given them, and he was now struggling to separate himself from the tangle. This turned out to be harder than he expected; the harder he wriggled to remove himself from Deidara's grasp, the tighter the grip around him became, and Pein found himself discovering just how heavy Sasori had made himself when he became a puppet—which was very heavy indeed. '_Shit_,' Pein thought. '_Why me? Why am_ I _the one stuck under these people, why am_ I _the one who woke up in this mess?_'

Memories came back to him of the previous day and his little spat with Kai. And he felt a sudden urge to buy her flowers and take her to a nice day spa before dinner at a fancy restaurant, and maybe after that—who knows what the hell they'd do, but Pein was willing to do whatever the fucking hell Kai wanted if it meant that he wouldn't again be kicked out of his room on account of needing space between himself and Kai in combination with the fact that she was a lady, and thus it would be oh so very incredibly extremely rude to force her to sleep anywhere but her own bed. Technically he _should_ have been sleeping in the kitchen, but _Hidan_ had entirely decimated it, so he _should_ have been sleeping in Hidan and Kakuzu's room, but as it was, there was only one single bed because Kakuzu sold Hidan's bed in an attempt to pay for the damage made to the kitchen. Itachi and Kisame made some kind of excuse, something about Kai the fish splashing water around, and Zetsu and Tobi…well, Zetsu had a pot of soil, and Tobi had a dog-bed. So Sasori and Deidara's room was the only one that, at the moment, seemed reasonable.

Now, of course, Pein felt as though he should have taken his chances sharing a dog bed with Tobi; Sasori and Deidara said that they'd share Deidara's bed, and he could have Sasori's, but sure enough, there they were, piled on the floor next to the bed that they said they'd leave alone.

Deidara yawned and tightened his grip on Pein; it was starting to hurt.

It seemed as though Pein had pleased one god or another with the capabilities of sending someone to knock at the door loudly enough for Sasori to grumble something groggily and dismantle himself from the pile, dragging Deidara up as well, whose grip pulled Pein up like a rag doll. The visitor knocked again; Sasori slurred, comprehensibly this time, "I'm _coming!_" and abandoned Deidara and Pein to get to the door.

The impact on the floor, this time, seemed to wake Deidara up a bit more; he opened his eyes in a squint and groaned, "Sasori-chan, stop…" His eyes widened. "O-oh, um, s-s-sorry, l-Leader-sama…eheh, when d-did you get—"

Pein stood up, knowing quite well that Deidara would simply fall off this time, and he was indeed alone now on the floor as Pein marched toward the door to see who was knocking. And who should he see in the doorway, finishing a brief greeting with Sasori, but Kai, the flower usually present in her hair was now resting in her hands and her eyes, with some distant and sincere expression that he didn't recognize, already locked on Pein even as he approached.

"Good morning," she began, her voice monotonously blank, "Leader-sama."

Pein opened his mouth, about to answer cheerfully (well, in comparison to Pein's average expression), before he remembered his image. It was a wonder that Deidara hadn't remembered his name, or that he remembered that Pein didn't like it being known, he couldn't let himself slip up and show emotion while his image was still weak or he'd never live it down. He instead muttered, "Excuse me," before moving out of the room with Kai and closing the door behind him.

Pein found himself smiling brightly at Kai before some instinct of his that he wasn't sure he recognized had him throwing his arms around her neck, burying his face in the nook between her neck and her shoulder. "Kai-chan, I'm sorry about yesterday," he apologized, keeping his voice as low as possible for him to know Kai could hear and nobody else. "I don't think I meant it."

"You don't think," Kai repeated, her voice remaining flat.

"I'm sorry," Pein reiterated. "Kai-chan, it only took this morning for me to really realize how stupid it was for me to be so snappy with you."

Kai's arms went to Pein's waist for a moment before she broke the bond and separated from him again, smiling slightly. "I'm glad we're on terms again." With that being said, she turned around and left Pein standing there, vaguely comprehending a slight weight behind his weight. Pein took a moment to sigh and reminisce on that moment of mutual embrace before strolling onward down the hallway. As he went, a door opened, and Itachi left his room, followed by none other than Tobi, his mask mysteriously missing…

Itachi took a moment's pause to allow Pein to pass, blinking and inclining his head slightly in acknowledgement, while Tobi grinned and waved, greeting rather loudly and cheerfully for so early in the morning, "Good morning Pein-leader-otousama-sama!"

Pein flinched just before he reached the top of the stairs. Tobi remembered his name…and Tobi used his name. There was an imperceptible stutter in his voice as he ordered, "Tobi, please, if you must refer to me, could you please leave it as simple as Leader-otousama?"

Tobi's head rotated slightly in confusion, his smile faltering for a moment before regaining more light than it lost. "Yes sir, Leader-otousama, sir!"

Pein grinned a little as he lifted his foot to descend the stairs, only to be interrupted by Itachi politely mentioning, "Leader-otousama, why are you going downstairs when the kitchen's still not yet repaired?"

' _Oh, right_,' Pein thought, irritated at himself for having forgotten. "I knew that," he lied convincingly. "I was just going to take a little stroll." After all, Kai, too, had gone toward the stairs rather than her room. It would be worthwhile, he thought, to find her and maybe do something nice for her.

Itachi made a small affirmative noise before adding, "Sir, are you aware of the flower in your hair?"

' _Flower…?_' Pein felt his head, and realized that Kai had slipped her flower into his hair while he was distracted by her embrace. "Of course I am." There was an unspoken ending to that phrase that went on in his mind: ' _Of course I'm losing my touch._' Honestly, his image was slipping; his name was known, he had flowers in his hair, and to top it all off, he didn't even realize he had a flower in his hair. Which was really saying something, considering how big that flower of hers was. "Do not interrupt me again," Pein added, his voice as solid and commanding as he could muster in an attempt to bring his image back to it's proper place.

"Of course I won't, Leader-otousama."

And then he realized another question that he probably should be asking: why was Itachi suddenly considering Pein his father? If that was the case, wouldn't it mean that Itachi was declared as Tobi's brother or sister? His brother or sister whose room he just left, this early in the morning…without his mask…? Had he been sleeping in Itachi's room?

' _My, this is getting…interesting_,' Pein thought, almost worried, as he reached the bottom of the stairs. He shrugged it off, crossing the entrance hallway to leave the house, because Kai was obviously nowhere to be seen within the house.

' _Why am I following_ Kai _anyway?_' he asked himself. ' _What am I, in love with her? I am Pein, feared leader of the evil Akatsuki! I feel no emotion, much less love! That _can't_ be it! …can it?_'

Even as he argued with himself, he was walking, and he didn't realize where he was until he finally looked up and saw that his feet had taken him on a path in the forest near the house. He paused for a moment, comprehending this, before shrugging again and continuing down the path at a leisurely pace, until a small spot of white caught his eye and Pein looked down. What should be standing not two feet to his right at the side of the path but a white flower, rather a lot like a miniature version of the flower that he'd been too lazy to remove from his hair?

Barely aware of what he was doing, Pein stooped to tug the blossom from the ground before straightening himself and continuing, his pace halved. He held it in one hand, the other feeling around the edges of a petal, until some instinct within him finally truly took over and the petal was removed, and then another, and before he knew it, there was a little chant going in his head as he pulled the petals… '_She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not…_'

He'd strolled about five yards before thinking, ' _She loves me, she loves me n— …what the fucking hell am I thinking?_' He proceeded to rip all the petals off at once, throw them on the ground, followed shortly by the stem, and quite deliberately stepped on them, "accidentally" twisting on his heel over them as he continued. Pein held his face low, for it had become instinct for him to hide any pink tint on his cheeks, any twitch of his lips, behind that freaking awesome huge collar, even if he wasn't wearing it at the moment. Suddenly realizing that he was wearing only a tank top and flannel pajama pants, Pein realized how naked he felt without it, how cold it seemed without that heavy black coat. His hands held his shoulders in an attempt to warm himself and imitate the weight of his cloak as he continued to walk down the path in the woods, a lot more briskly than before.

Before long, he reached a clearing, the border of which included a very distinctive tree that leaned slightly under the weight of a great many large white blooming flowers. Pein looked up into the branches, staring blankly at it for a few moments, before going on to continue down the path…except, there was no path. There was nowhere else to go.

Pein's eyes wandered back to the tree. '_Hmmm…a tree…_' Pathetically enough, his mind was blank except for those three words as his feet inched him toward the blooming tree. He reached the roots and looked up, realizing an instinct of his and deciding that boredom was a good enough excuse to act upon it. Stretching his hands to the lowest branch, he grasped it firmly and pulled himself up, climbing up the old-fashioned way until he was on the second from the highest branch, looking out over the forest at his house.

Looking over toward the brief field near the house, Pein noticed two figures standing quite close together as they strolled rather slowly back into the house; considering the burning orange in place of a face, one of them was Tobi, and the other had black hair so much longer than Tobi's, so it was most definitely Itachi. Itachi and Tobi…were most definitely up to something in the way that Pein wouldn't admit to wishing he was up to something with Kai.

So, according to this family thing…Pein had two sons and a daughter, of which one son was most certainly in a rather romantic relationship with his daughter and the other son seemed to have a thing for Itachi…

'_Damn_,' he thought. '_I made one fucked up family here._'

He continued a blank stare in the general direction of the house for a reasonably long time, until he realized the presence of another body next to his, and he tensed slightly. Glancing out of the corner of his eye, Pein saw that it was just Kai, and he relaxed, perhaps even more than before, as she inched toward him.

"Pein," she began quietly when she was only a few inches from him, "I brought your coat." She offered her arm, over which was draped that lovely black silk with that wonderful high collar.

Pein smiled slightly, his head instinctively lower as if the collar was already there to hide it. "Thank you, Kai," he muttered, taking the mass of black and red cloth and working to put his arm through the sleeve before Kai stopped him, wriggling her shoulder into the beginning of the sleeve and slipping in close enough to Pein that they just barely fit together under it.

He allowed a brief silence before murmuring, "Why didn't you tell me this cloak was so much bigger than I?"

"I'm sorry," Kai apologized quietly. "I lied a moment ago. It's actually Kakuzu-otousama's."

Pein blinked before realizing her train of thought for Kakuzu's title, but mentally shrugged it off, sighing slightly as he relaxed and leaned in on Kai.

It seemed a bliss, to be sitting there with Kai, so close to her that the wind twitched her blue hair into the corners of his vision. Such paradise it was to Pein that he remained there for some time, such a long time doing naught more than sitting and staring at the roof of the house, which was currently occupied by the distant figures of Itachi and Tobi, sitting at least as close together as Pein and Kai, their faces seeming to be stuck together…

At some point, Pein thought he heard a rustling in the branches below, as if they weren't the only ones who came with the great inspiration of climbing that tree, but he dismissed it; an issue would show itself as an issue rather than just sounding like a really big and clumsy squirrel.

Pein didn't notice that Kai had tilted her head to face his until her hand was around his to turn it towards hers with a faint smile that, with eyes like hers, seemed almost seductive. She leaned forward, or maybe that was Pein, or maybe it was a mutual motion that brought their lips together.

As if on cue, the wind began to blow, sending spirals of petals like snow swirling about them, a dance in jubilation of their newfound bond, a performance for the enjoyment of their love in its first appearance in the world. Pein's eyes were closed, and he never would know of this ballet until the airstream blew a single petal astray, a single snowflake in the summer sent toward his face, brushing against the bridge of his nose as it went off, unsuspecting of the danger lying within that action.

Pein truly hated those piercings in his nose. Perhaps they, in the end, did him some good, having been reminders that he really was drinking too much and had to stop, and it was that sobering that brought him to terms with his dream, and so perhaps he should be only thankful to those studs for bringing him into this family, but it was really quite hard to appreciate them when motion even so light as this breeze and its goddamned snowflake petal could twitch it just enough to ruin any given moment with an explosive sneeze of the velocity that once shattered every window in his mother's home.

It was like an explosion; petals, leaves, twigs, hell, even one of the tree's smaller braches went flying. If the petals were waltzing about moments before, they were now evacuating a burning building. The leaves rained upon the ground like a snowfall on a midwinter night, falling from the branches and showing Kai and Pein the world beyond their fallen shelter as they revealed the couple to anyone who could see.

Immediately, the first to see gave out an alarmed cry from below: "Otousama! Uh, what are you doing here?"

Pein sniffed and looked down to see who had dared to be close enough to potentially witness his apparent weakness, to see Deidara, blushing madly as he looked up, his one visible eye wide in something like fear, at the same time that Sasori, sitting closely next to him, started to look up, one eye twitching slightly in a wince as he realized that Pein was sitting in the branches above him.

Kai looked down at her "children" and smiled faintly as she turned to Pein. "Sugar-cakes," she began, her voice sounding sweeter even than the title she had given Pein, "I mean you no offense, but we made a really fucked up family."

* * *

...Sequel?

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Yeah, okay, so I had this stupid annoying plotbunny kinda thing in my head and I succumbed, and I really really really really really like how the first little bits came out, so here's a preview. By the way, it wouldn't exactly be out of the question for this to be a sequel. Mind also that I have no idea where I'm going to go with that plot idea, I just have two characters and an idea as to how they'll meet, and what they don't know but want to know, and maybe they'll somehow find out, but I haven't the least idea how that would work. Anyway, first paragraph!

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For the octillionth time, she stared into the mirror, her piercing blue spiraling gaze meeting equally that reflected back at her. She took in all her features, every detail of her face from the curve of her cheek to the three silver rings in each ear to her mouth that neither smiled nor frowned to the way her long blue hair fell over her shoulders with such minute curve that it would be better considered straight. But mostly, her attention focused on her eyes; no matter what her mouth showed, her eyes seemed constantly to show that same expression, a kind of disdainful frown that told the world that she thought herself so much better than them, because she was, and just because they knew their parents rather than spending countless hours staring in the mirror and looking for some detail that she hadn't yet seen that could have come from them and identify them didn't mean they could possibly outdo her.

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	10. Epilogue

**A/n: **Okay. So, it occurs to me that I have not yet marked my story as "complete". And I've got a plotbunny kinda thing for the sequel...though whether it flies or not, I most certainly can't garauntee (by the way, does anyone have any idea what exactly the title for the sequel would be?). So...I'm bored and in a good mood, so I'm going to try and whip up an epilogue. Let's see how this turns out. Keep in mind that this here is really, really, really improvised.

**To the fans:** ...oh, god damn it, you know who you are! If you're reading this and you ever considered leaving a review or adding to alert or fave, pretend I wrote your name here with "Thank you for acknowledging my existsance."

**Disclaimer: **Because these things are actually pretty fun to write.  
The thing about Akatsuki is that each and every member of it is a part of the Naruto world. Every man, woman, and child, as well as all background stories and places and whatever else that exists in Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto. And now he totally sounds like a slave-owning dictator. Hmmmm...maybe he is... FREE THE CHARACTERS!!!! Just look at poor Akatsuki--destined to be brutally decimated by the main characters just because it's convenient for plot! Yeah, I'll shut up now.

On with the epiloguage! After I appologize that it's pretty much intended to be less funny, more cliffy. So, sorry, if you're looking for some funny stuff, go look at...hey, all my stuff's depressing! Damn. Never mind. Go look for something funny.

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Even a month and a half later, breakfast still held some kind of excitement in the Akatsuki household; Tobi's decision to title them as family members had left everyone automatically eager to see the day's events, and what would happen at the first and only meal shared in the "family." This borderline anxiety likely had something to do with the fact that Tobi never really officially titled Itachi--and still, the Uchiha was never really considered a member of the family, until Hidan made some comment about his wrinkled granddaugher-in-law, at which point Itachi promptly excused himself from the table, and soon enough seemed rather quick to leave his shirt off in the most mascluline ways possible. 

And so, on one depressingly eventful day about a month and a half after Sasori and Deidara became official members of the "family," Pein leaned on the back of his chair with a solemn expression on his face, and Kai leaned on the doorframe, content to stare in the general direction of her feet.

Cue Tobi. "Leader-otousama?" Because, even after learning Pein's name, he was quick to realize that he became quite irritable at the use of his name. "Why aren't you or Blue-okaachan sitting down?"

"Because," Pein explained gravely, "Blue-chan isn't staying much longer."

All heads snapped toward Pein; Tobi and Deidara added gasps while Sasori looked up exhasperatedly and asked, "This isn't going to be like when Orochimaru left, is it? Because I don't see any reason why we shoul be kicking Blue-okaachan out."

"No," Pein answered quickly, his eyebrows twitching upward to show how careful he was to remain patient. "She...her family...that is to say..." Glances were exchanged around the table at Pein's delaying, and he looked up with a glare to bring all attention back to himself. "Blue-chan's mother is ill, and her sister is desperate enough for money that she's willing to give away Blue-chan's wherebouts to help her mother. As much as she will be missed, she has to leave, lest her sister track us down with her. And no," he added, glaring at Tobi as the noise of breath sucked in through a mask sounded through the kitchen. "I'm not talking about Kisame-san. Believe it or not, Tobi, we all have--or had"--he added, nodding briefly to Itachi--"family outside Akatsuki."

"But Itachi-chan still has family," Tobi argued. "He left his brother--"

"Tobi," Pein interrupted frustratedly, slamming his hands on the table. A second of silence followed, during which time Pein sighed and looked up tiredly. "It...doesn't...matter. The point is, Akatsuki isn't even really a family, and those of us in it either once did or still do belong to one family or another. And right now, I'm most certainly not saying that those families are doing anyone any good, but they must be dealt with, one way or another. And the way to deal with it right now is to send Blue-chan back to her place of origin so as to disconnect her from us long enough for nobody to be suspicious." He looked around the table sternly. "Any questions?"

A brief silence followed, in which almost everyone exchanged questioning glances, until Itachi spoke up. "Sir," he began respectfully, "wouldn't it be faster and easier to just...assassinate--"

"Itachi, just because any heart that you may have is ice-cold steel," Pein scolded, "doesn't mean everyone can murder their family. Furthermore, it would be difficult to keep it quiet enough to avoid _all_ suspicion, not to mention costly, whereas sending Blue-chan away would lessen the amount of money we have to spend on necessities long enough to build up a bit more money."

"Oh, come on," Hidan complained, "last I checked, we were fucking loaded, and _I_'d know, I'm partnered with our god-damned _treasurer_!"

Kakuzu shot Hidan a glare. "Those were ones that you were counting, remember?"

Hidan opened his mouth to protest, closed it, and opened it again to whine, "Are you fucking serious? I thought those were hundreds!"

"They're not," Kakuzu growled.

Hidan stood abruptly, slamming his hands on the table. "Damn it all, we're fucking broke!"

"Yes, we are," Pein agreed, convenience keeping him silent that he'd intercepted their bills for the last month to store the money safely, making everyone else believe that they were quite financially dependant on someone leaving for a while at the same time that it garaunteed Kai some funding on her little adventure, and convenince also kept him from menioning that Kai was an only child whose mother had already deceased. However, the reasons he had for lying, he thought and Kai agreed, were quite worthwhile, considering that the truth was probably not exactly Akatsuki-friendly. More so, this little secret would not very well survive in a league of S-ranked criminals, and Kai had decided that leaving until a time passed would likely keep this whole incident conveniently secret.

And so, some time before noon, Akatsuki stood in front of their home, lined up gravely except for Pein, standing a step in front of the center of the line, and Kai, facing Pein two steps in front of him as he muttered a farewell and she returned it. Then she turned around and walked off, wearing some relatively casual outit that she'd apparently kept in some corner of her closet for quite some time now, her flower subtly held in Pein's hand, soon to be brought back up to his room and left on her dresser, awaiting her return in nine long months...

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Okay, how obvious is it? Meh. I'm not going to scream it, and if anyone wants to guess, it would be nice if you said so in PM rather that review, because I really don't know quite for sure if everyone knows it or not and it's technically not supposed to be so obvious... 

Anyway. That's not all that I have planned for the sequel, but that's a lot of it, yeah, and...yeah. Be prepared for a little OCing upon the return of this story. Just a little, though ;- and I still need to figure out the exact details of how this thing's going to work...but, yeah! This is looking good so far!

...and...read my other stories:big shiney pleading eyes: pleeeeaaaase? My actual main OC story seems to have but one reader even though it's posted on three sites, and I find it really depressing, considering all the time/effort/thought/whatever else I put into it versus this one and how much attention it's gotten. It seems that the more I care about a work, the less everyone else does...although the more I think about it, the less fond I am of how I wrote then. Reading more fanfiction helped me become a better writer, I think, but I started really getting into it after I wrote some eighty thousand words...


	11. Authors note: For the last time, THE END

**Okay.** I've been posting far too many notes or whatever else. Because I like to hear the sound of my own voice, pretty much. Yeah, pathetic, I know, but true. But, I just figured it would be best to...I don't know. Say something.

I'm really bad at endings. I just can't stand them. That's why I prolong them so much. Ramble ramble rant rant, and it looks like it's not done yet, and I don't get all...breakdowny, because I really do breakdown a lot. Sometimes for absolutely no reason, literally.

Anyway, sequel is being posted. And it's right...never mind. Links don't work. Sorry! Not my idea... I'm sure you people can figure it out from here? It's under the title "Dawn of the Red Family II", in case there's any confusion.

Yeah. That's about it. My mom's being kind of...tight on my computer use, so my posting will probably be relatively slow. Probably. Sorry.

**This had better be the last time I post on this story...**


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